Humorous Quotations

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea , Visit people only once a year. ~Victor
Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark
Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get
a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things. ~Jilly Cooper

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living The world owes you
nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery people would stop dying. ~Ed
Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of
misery. ~Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. ~Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert
Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap. ~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink, and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk The trouble is, I can't remember if
it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth. ~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress. ~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation , As you grow older, it will avoid
you. ~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out. ~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere. ~Billy Crystal


I once had a rose named after me, and I was very flattered. But, I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue, "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain